I’ve learned that living with a traumatic brain injury and post traumatic stress disorder, can make cultivating a trusting relationship with my body more difficult.

But it has to happen, or healing takes much longer, and adds to my own suffering. I needed to learn that my body isn’t against me, it isn’t the enemy. It’s doing everything it can to help me find balance, to heal and function the best it can despite what it is going through and what it is navigating to keep me alive and functioning. After all it’s responsible for tens of thousands of functions every second of the day. And when a system is damaged it needs time to be repaired and to heal. If I force things to happen faster than nature is ready or able to work, I’m the one causing the fight. Not my body.

There’s no separation between the body and the mind, they are one. Western science is now catching up with the wisdom centuries old practices from other parts of the world. What happens in the body can be experienced in the mind, and what happens in the mind can be experienced in the body. If you don’t believe me, I’d like you now to think about eating your favorite food. For me, I absolutely love chocolate. And when I see a rich, dark chocolate cake with either vanilla butter cream frosting or a rich, dark chocolate ganache, my mouth waters; my belly grumbles and my brain can only experience the joy knowing that it will be mine in a moment. There are no other thoughts. Just complete joy as I’m focused on that cake. It makes my brain happy, and it makes my body happy. What does it for you?

After damage to the brain has occurred we may feel like aliens in our own body. After all, this is not the person we recognize. It’s not how we are accustomed to navigating the world around us, and even our thoughts and behaviors are nothing we are used to either. Everything about this relationship is unfamiliar. So trusting our body is difficult. We don’t trust the unfamiliar by nature.

One of the things I was diagnosed with was emotional dysregulation. I had an extremely difficult time regulating my emotions. The frustration of my circumstances and anger at what happened to me and how it happened, enraged me. I was deeply depressed, thoughts of suicide traveled through my mind often. I lived with hypervigilence not only from post traumatic stress disorder, but from the damage to my brain as well. There would be emotional outbursts, especially as I was advocating for myself when my medical team wasn’t on the same page as me or when they would dismiss my complaints. This was not the person I was accustomed to being. I was used to being a peaceful person who could communicate clearly, with patience and compassion. For someone who had been practicing mindful living for twenty years this was definitely an alien behavior for me.

But my brain was injured, damaged in the frontal cortex and that damage was needing to be acknowledged, even if others denied it. After the concussion rehab facility kicked me out of their care, and told me that when I was more emotionally regulated I could participate in their program, I decided to follow a completely different path than the standard western medical model.

My background is that of a doctor of natural health, with a specialty in mindbody medicine specifically for generalized stress and anxiety. I also have certification as a mindfulness and meditation teacher, and mindful ecotherapy guide, wholistic nutrition coach, master transformation life coach and have been a yoga and mindfulness practitioner since the early 1990’s. So my decision to follow my intuition and let it guide me to the path that would be most beneficial for me was not new. But relearning to trust that intuitive wisdom was a new experience. I didn’t trust my body at the time, because of the intensity of the constant pain I was in, and because of the unfamiliarity of my thoughts, behaviors and actions. I didn’t know the person I was. I didn’t know who was in my body anymore. But I was being led back to a mindful practice. Definitely NOT in the way I had been practicing for the last two decades at that point, but a much more informal practice.

The brain fog was so thick that sitting meditation where I would focus on the sensation of my breath was not happening. It was like trying to navigate through chocolate pudding. So my mindfulness practice was more about how I would bring my attention to my daily actions. If you live with prolonged concussion symptoms, otherwise known as a mild (although’s anything but mild) traumatic brain injury, you know that just brushing your teeth takes an enormous amount of focus. Every action requires intention and attention. So told my body that we were going to be friends. I told my brain we were going to be friends. I told my soul that I was listening and ready to follow instructions for a better relationship with this new version of myself. At the time it was honestly not how I felt, but I know that it had to happen or I wouldn’t move forwards. So I placed my left hand on my heart or on my belly and I’d “dial in” to find out what I needed in that moment.

Mindfulness means bringing your attention to your experience in that moment free from judgement, criticism, or expectations. It means you are fully present with your experience internally or externally, instead of traveling to the past or the future. In THAT moment by moment experience.

Brushing my teeth was often something I found myself doing because the taste of the peppermint was enlivening, refreshing and I needed practice picking something light up and holding it. Plus, it helped me when I was feeling nauseous. A toothbrush is light and I wouldn’t drop it. I needed to practice moving my arms across my body and coordination. Brushing my teeth was where I began. My intention was to brush my teeth. My attention was on seeing where the toothbrush was, going over to the toothbrush (which in and of itself took a lot of focus and concentration, because my gait was so out of wack that I needed to focus on every step, and on my balance), picking up the toothbrush (again lots of focus here), noticing the muscles in my arm and in my hand as I picked up the toothbrush, the action of putting toothpaste on the toothbrush and the sensation of the toothbrush on each of my teeth and my tongue. The taste of the toothpaste. Then the sensation of adding water and rinsing. This all required me to be fully present, in the moment free from judgement or criticism. Because the judgement or criticism made me feel less than able, made me angered and hateful of my body. When I practiced a little more self compassion and patience, letting go of my expectations, judgements and criticisms, trust began to get stronger.

Eventually I followed the same mindful intention and attention with many other things in my life. Each time I would “dial in” to my inner wisdom and find out what I needed in that moment. Sometimes it would be clear, and I’d get an answer quickly. Sometimes it would be a poor connection and I’d have to try again in a few moments. But over time that simple connection has been building a solid foundational and trusting relationship with who I am now. My emotions are more regulated, and a lot of healing has occurred over the last five years. Do I still have pain and struggle? Yes, I live with the effects of multiple traumatic brain injuries and from post traumatic stress disorder. But I’m learning how to navigate the world in a way that honors my unique needs and build a lifestyle that brings me joy and fulfillment, instead of despair and suffering. I’m learning to be my own best friend, trusting my inner wisdom, my bodymind- and remember that it’s working with me, not against me. And it’s been very helpful for the women I’ve been guiding on this path too.